i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
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She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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