so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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