best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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