i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
