Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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