T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
