just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
