I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
