I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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