She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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