Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
