my vag is so smooth its legendary
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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