there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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