she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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