I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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