: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
