Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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