Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
