You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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