I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
