i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
