If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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