we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
