remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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