I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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