Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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