Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he thought i was a dude.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This is the high leading the old right now
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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