You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
