I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
