if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
