Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
