Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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