Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
