What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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