Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
