first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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