Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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