I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
