Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
