I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We're too hungover to prance.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
