so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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