Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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