Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
