The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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