Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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