I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
