If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
