seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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