Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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