I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
