Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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