if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
