you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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